take it outside

2010-09-23T13:27:00.001-04:00

I'm thinking about changing this blog so it's useful.

2009-09-16T12:59:00.002-04:00

I have moved all my stuff into the studio downtown and am looking forward to some poor weather. I can't force myself to stay inside ALL day so I'm slacking a bit on my office hours. Do people understand why I'm not there? I work in a beige cube all day! How can I be so cruel to myself; to remain inside, whether it's in the studio or not, after "regular work" when it's still 28 degrees out? I can justify it because most of the inspiration I find is found outside while playing. I'll post some pics of my wee studio here next week, it's so cute!

2008-10-19T17:39:00.003-04:00

Lookee Lookee,

2008-01-16T21:47:00.000-05:00

I've been doing fairly well at my new job; any operational gaffes I've experienced are balanced out by my success with the clients I have. The business of pension administration is not nearly as dry as you'd expect. I've learned a tonne of stuff about how big plans work, (I'm in Institutional Investors again,) and am fascinated by the decisions the money managers make. So that's good. I've begun to look seriously at tax planning as a way out of my own personal financial woes. I must be strong. I have to prove to myself that I'm as smart as I think I am, and produce some positive results. I'm investing like a madwoman; a madwoman who'd rather have food to eat when she's ninety, than now. Sounds dramatic, but it's not that bad, I've been in worse spots, time and time again.

The homefront is so-so, I'm feeling rather put out at the moment so I'll spare you the details.

Jorden's in the hospital still, he's been stuck in there over a month and I'm so worried about what's going to happen when he gets out. It's hard to keep finding the energy to hope, when things are so bleak all the time. Such is life. to be con't.

2007-09-24T19:16:00.000-04:00

I didn't want to get up today. I got up anyway and got called back about that job, which I accepted on better terms than expected. Yay! Looking in my closet I realized that my suits were pretty much it for my business casual selection, as I'd worn most everything to it's faded end, and destroyed the remainder when I was in construction. (You know those days that are all committed to inspectors, and engineers and you think, "Nah, I won't actually do any real work today," so you look nice and then you end up cutting a trench?) It was time to think about wearing something other than paint stained jeans and T's, as I feel full suits are a bit flashy for day-to-day.

I then proceeded to shop for nice clothes. I got some. But as I was shopping I went into HMV to buy the Amy Winehouse CD and the 2 for 25 thing got me. A ha! I retaliated by going into Coles and compensating with books! That'll show em. Copeland, Gibson! I've missed you. Thought I'd try The World Without Us by Alan Weisman too. I even got my first ever Dummies book. I'm so tired I don't think I can read tonight. The potential of having some money coming in soon has gone to my head and apropos, I have a headache. This binge should last me quite a while.

2007-09-22T17:14:00.000-04:00

So I was vacuuming with my new Bissell today. I only spent $80 on it! I don't know whether it's a good machine or my place is just truly dirty. This apartment was built 2 years ago and shouldn't have such an accumulation of filth. I just finished the hall. A hallway that filled the canister on the machine. Wow. It sucked the dirt right out from under the carpet. (Carpets are secretly more filthy than cats, rats and bats combined. I'm not sure why people use the stuff anywhere but a rec room, really, it traps and keeps hidden all sorts of disturbing motes, insects..ugh...can't continue.)

I'm hoping that as I clean over the weekend, I will be convinced that my place is clean. (You know how when you just move in, you don't trust your environment to be sanitary until you clean it half a dozen times, the way _you_ clean?) Maybe that's just me.

2007-09-12T15:55:00.000-04:00

I've applied to many opportunities in the last three days, most notably at RBC Dexia. Dexia was just being invented when I left RBC a couple of years ago and I'm actually excited to see if they can take me in, here in Calgary. I need a job: and they have jobs for which my background makes me a very suitable candidate. Nonetheless I'm nervous. I really don't like it when a job search takes more than a couple of days, and I really want to go back to RBC as it's the devil I know, it's downtown, and they're located over that indoor garden habitat that soothes me. Jesse took me there once and I would love to go there on my lunches when it's too cold to go to Prince's Island.

I am going to stop hunting for the day and spin around in nervous circles hoping for a call.

2007-09-07T15:00:00.001-04:00

I really enjoy having my own PC in use. Hopefully one of you can point me in the direction of Jon's wedding photos.

I can't find my cable for my camera, so I will show you pics of my new place at some point after I organize my studio room. It's really nice here. I've jumped in with both feet again as usual. Jesse and I are now co-habiting, at least when he gets his days off: the rest of the time he's 10 hours north of here getting buried in mud. His recent insanity has faded, curbed by the realization that he needs the patch to quit smoking, and he appreciates me again. We have really good communication together and are working through our respective insecurities. He cooks too.

Things are good. I haven't gotten a job yet, but my credit is helping me hang on. My cards are pretty hot though, getting lots of use buying couches--what a great deal we got!--and other nice things to make a wonderful comfortable home. My bathroom is a haven from the mess of the rest of the house, and I can't believe how many pots and pans and baking things I actually own. It is so nice to see my books again and have all my supplies at my fingertips. Imagine not having your stuff for 13 years. Imagine finally seeing why you stored it all in the first place. I want to find a job that pays enough to keep this place should things not work out, but to contradict that, I'm also trying to find Jesse a good job in town. I don't want to move again for a long time. I'm exhausted and my back is only now starting to mend. I helped Brandy move, my brother, and my parents, (the parents' move was HUGE and took 2 months.) Then I moved my own stuff twice and finally am starting to unpack again.

The next foreseeable issues are to get a job and to turn myself and my truck all Albertan. This will be expensive and annoying. My truck is 30 years old and will have to pass an inspection. I bet that's going to cost me lots, unless I do it the shady way. It's not unsafe, I just dumped over 10 grand into it, it just doesn't have a horn or a parking break. I don't know anyone out here for that though. I will probably have to get glasses/contacts in order to get a license. Luckily I have 3 months before I legally have to do these things. Albertans don't have the equivalent of OHIP either, so I'd have to pay for health care. Such a wealthy province doesn't have health care, it's absurd. They also don't recycle. For shame.

Anyhow, I've procrastinated long enough and have to start assembling this huge Ikea shelf thing.

2007-08-22T17:47:00.000-04:00

I'm in Alberta again, this time to stay for awhile. My boyfriend is being a turkey though, so if he dumps me, against my attempts to convince him otherwise, I may very well scrounge up some cash and go back to BC in a couple of months. I'm not being cavalier about it, I just don't have anyone to talk to, so thanks for being here for me. I'm pretty depressed and upset about a couple of things, getting hosed on the farm, trying out this fabulous new life in Alberta, men who refuse to want healthy relationships. Some of these things I have to suck up and accept that this is the way the cookies crumbled. But a current relationship, ah, this takes 2 to obliterate. it's really hard not to think that it all my fault and that i should have never even tried to be in a relationship after the epic tanking of my last one. It just seems to be such a shame to let misdirected emotion detstroy what has a chance to be really good. But I don't like bullshit. I do recognize that I've done many things because i've chosen to, and often these are poor choices, but I'm only human and doing the best I can. I'm trying to simpify my life, get things sorted out, but I refuse to believe that I have to be alone in order to achieve these things.

2007-05-16T17:56:00.000-04:00

Get this:
My brother just called and yelled at me because I'm "winging it" with my life right now, and he feels I should promise him a certain level of financial support every month. This may or may not sound reasonable to you, if you know about how screwed up my family is, but if one takes into account that I've recently left my job and am in the process of moving across the country among all the other things I have to take care of, I'm feeling a bit PO'd about it. I asked him to give me 2 months before I make any sort of promise of that kind, as I don't know what I'm going to be making for a living, (not looking for a job until I get here,) and I'm going to give him a chunk of cash for wrecking his car that should tide him over for a bit. Life is full of uncrtainty. He is so terribly threatened by unstability, but there's nothing that I can say to reassure him that everything will be okay. He has always been looked after in the past, how is now any different? I've already proven my support for the family. I just want to tell him to get bent, but that would sound unsupportive.

2007-04-10T20:51:00.000-04:00

Are you getting bored of mountain pictures yet? Here's Banff from way up.

My parent's sold the farm and I'm heartbroken. I don't know what to do.

2007-04-05T19:08:00.000-04:00

This is one of those times in my life where everything changes. Everything.

2007-02-24T21:08:00.000-05:00

who's got a bellyache, I do, I do...
I've been told I need to relax.
I've been told a bunch of stuff in the last couple of days.
it's all a pile o crap.

2007-02-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

(Oh those guys.)

Here's the deal: I'm in construction and I'm the boss ma'am. I love my job and the people I work with, even if the're totally bastards. Because that makes it even more fun; I don't take much personally.

I don't usually post during the week, but that might change because I'm having so much fun that I want to share. Also, because my hair is wet, and I have to do something while my hair air dries a bit, becasue I'm too lazy to dry it from wet-wet. I don't usualy wash my hair during the week. It's not gross, it's just the way it is. I wear a touque, 4 shirts, two pant layers, 2 pairs of socks. Sexy is not what I'm aiming for, and I never even take my hair out of a pony tail the whole time. It's frickin freezing on my job site. It's been snowing for 9 days in a row.

I'm at the age where I generally see that the guy who you may sort of want to blow off your " no touching the men on your sites" rule for, is probably not worth the trouble to even get to that point. Enjoy the insane flirtation and this will keep you hotter than actualizing that he's shitty in bed and a mouthy jackass to boot. Ladies, am I wrong here? :) The best part is that I'm going to just loll in the glory that the latest one is off the list for one of my very good and honest reasons, (3 whole days before the weekend!!) really and truly, and just needle the crap out of him for the rest of the job, because it'll needle the crap out of him. I can really joke around now.

So tomorrow, (I"m going to dress up in the hottest construction outfit I have,) and I'm letting the hair go. I have awe inspiring hair when I'm in the mood. I can't wait. It'll keep my head warm enough. So now he says one of my "deal breakers"* type statements today, and that's it for my interest. It's ok to get to the point where they don't meet your pre-reqs and instantly move on. He's not the type of person that I'm interested in, is my rationale for being so finite. I'll look good tomorrow, and I'll go make friends at one of the other sites just down the hall. My site is in a mall that's under heavy construction. I need to find out if the guys on the other sites know a good concrete pouring company oweing to the fact that I truly do have to find someone to pour me some concrete later this week.

It 's the best; being naturally friendly, and not giving a crap! It's ALBERTA, and even I look good in a cowboy hat and a bikini.

*"deal breakers" may include and are not limited to:

"My girlfriend and I..."
"I really want to get married and have kids..."
"Detroit?! how can you be a Detroit fan?!"
"You should have been born a guy."
"I was kind of cheating on my girlfriend when..."
"I'm a racist bigot."

2007-02-11T11:34:00.000-05:00

Calgary still blows, but hey, you only get out of it what you put into it, so I've found a posh yoga place to take my money in exchange for the excruciating pain.

I am guessing by my whining that maybe I should be starting my foray into renewed physical fitness with more gentle exercise. I didn't think that I was that dammaged from my latest accident, however I feel perhaps taken collectively with the others, the impact has been quite severe. Gentle stretching perhaps. I was brooding about physical limitations the other night, and wondering at what point does one accept them.

I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm going to get orthotics too.

2007-02-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

Calgary is a brutal city. Whether you're into the sophisticated urban thing or not, usually that's what big city life is all about. But not Calgary. Imagine downtown 'Shwa, only bigger and uglier. I hope that it's better in the summer, for these poor people. I get the impression that cities in the western part of the country are devoid of any architechtural merit; (TO isn't really on the map yet, but they get points for trying at least.) At least Vancouver has some old buildings. Here in Calgary they can't wait to knock it down.

I'm torn. I know that to use my lovely wardrobe, reduce my dependence on cars, and lessen my overall impact on the environment requires living in an area where I can walk or take transit. But every time I live in a different city I just want to buy a big-ass truck and stay out in the country where I belong. The mountains, they call to me.

The view from my hotel room doesn't help. This is right in front of me, and if I look to the right I can just see the Rockies, hiding the promise of Banff and those elusive hotsprings. I think I'll have to go that way and see what all the fuss is about.

2007-01-10T09:26:00.000-05:00

Hey hey!

Guess what? I'm staying put for a little while, not going back out west until the spring. I want to go back as soon as I can, but with the prospect of being out there for the summer, again, is more than enough to console me.

Those of you who read reagularly will know about, and possibly have suffered through my repeated attempts to quit smoking. The new take I've got on it is this little sticky thing on my arm. Here's hoping it helps me do more than have spectacularly imaginitive dreams all night. I should say one dream though. It was one of those dreams that even though I woke up repeatedly, went to the bathroom, and watched a movie, the dream continued from where it left off. Too bad I woke up for the day before we got to run down to track 11 and get that guy who knew too much.

I love those types of dreams.

2006-12-29T08:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays y'all!
I spent a quiet one home at the farm, and haven't been out to see anyone because there's not enough working vehicles to get around and we're buried in emercency level work and scrambling against the winter on the property. I've totalled another car, this time it was my brother's, and I'm lucky to be ok as usual. Spectacular as my accidents are , this year makes it 3 for 3, I managed to come out with the usual soreness but no serious injury other than aggravating my poor old back. This time I thought it would be a good idea to try fishing with the car; ended up on the roof in a creek. It was cold and wet.

On a more positive note: my show will be going up this month sometime! It's all finished and looking pretty. 22 pieces! I may even try and get it into one of the old galleries I've already shown in, but taking good pictures of the work is still a problem that I haven't solved. I've challenged myself to get out of my ruts and have created a diverse body of work that is both technically fwd thinking and steeped in organic slabbiness. you'll have to come see it. I'm all excited about it, and already planning where it's going to take my next batch of work this upcoming year. At the very least I'm still trying to make a pile of stuff every year to keep up my development.

I'll be heading out west again in February but I don't know what we'll be building yet, could be Vancouver, could be Whistler. Could even be in Alberta depending on who gets what job. Neat.

luff luff!

2006-09-26T18:42:00.000-04:00

Vancouver weather is perfect right now. I was back in Ontario for a little while and it sucked, so it's nice to be back. Living out of suitcases is harder than you'd think. I have too much stuff here now, so getting it all home, if I ever go back, will be a shipping issue, not a luggage issue! Thank goodness I could store all my crap at Blake and Kirsten's while I went home. I've postponed my art show yet again, which means the next time I intend to try is late December, to be up for the month of Jan. Here's the pretty Esprit that we built. I'd have to say that I love my job, even though it makes me a capitalist dog.

2006-08-20T20:50:00.000-04:00

Staying in Vancouver a little while longer...nothing too exciting going on, but there's always hope--Sin City next weekend--and whilst I wait for that, I can enjoy the feverish "hots" that I gots for someone I can't touch for a couple of very reasonable sounding reasons. I content myself with the thought that these types of things are often better left imagined. Besides, he can't possibly be as good as I imagine. Constantly. So this is what my mother calls the beginnings of me bouncing back. I hope so, it's kind of spooky how not interested I am in persuing anything with anyone. Not that there's any options. ;) If. How my level of attractiveness to white guys went up recently in this shallow city: the re-introduction of my horrible stained westbeach cap and cool shades. Honestly. But now the non white guys don't look at me, you just can't win.

It looks like me settling down out here because of my job isn't going to be happening for a while either, which is making me think I should come out here anyway and to hell with the job. But I'll probably remain a lovable hobo for a spell in spite of my urges to stay in one spot for more than a couple months. So instead of brooding about my temporary nature, I'm working on my artist statement for My Mushroom Manifesto, and trying to think of meaningful names for all the work for my up coming show in TO. Please come, I'll send out an invite when I know the date it's going up...

2006-07-30T19:30:00.000-04:00

Hey there folks, life's good,

Climbing mountains, yoga, and getting a little fetish on; all these things seem to appeal to me. I'm lean, if not well groomed. I ended up at wreck beach and let me tell you, there's nothing better than the feeling that there's no reason aside from modesty to keep yourself from getting nekkid. So, as y'all know, I've very little modesty, and I was delighted to frolic on the beach as the sun went down over the islands to the west of Vancouver. Job's getting insane, but yoga seems to be helping me deal with stress, and also helps me get lots of sleep, which is a new treat. The place I'm staying has a total princess bed which; except for the fact it's empty but for me, is wonderful. Making friends, slowly, but the men here seem to be from the same mold: hot, yet basket cases. Who needs that kind of trouble? Hmn, still haven't decided about moving here.

2006-07-05T11:32:00.000-04:00

So I was up in the mountains in my underwear. It was good, saw a little bear, and woke up to a marmite that decided it wanted to hang out with us. Tracks seen: wolverine, cougar, small mammals. Alpine camping is really quite mindblowing. The stars at night were unbelievable. I'm getting stressed out because there's so much that I want to do!!! So little time.

2006-06-17T13:46:00.000-04:00

I did the grouse grind, and it was silly. It took me a while and I feel really out of shape. My car isn't here yet, and I feel trapped and lonely. Trying to quit smoking, (yes, again,) and am not doing so well on that either. Wondering what's wrong with me, because I've been so happy lately. Must be this crap weather.

2006-06-11T19:16:00.000-04:00

This is because I'm in BC right now, and was thinking I'd like to move here, but now I think maybe I'm too much of a pussy, missing my friends and family. I bet it would get better if I went out and did stuff, but I'm still pretty tired, and I guess that makes me even more pathetic.

2006-06-11T19:07:00.000-04:00

Lonely today, I admit it, Miss Independant is lonely. I've got a couple of friends here, but they're married to one another so it's not like a party that I can join. I've met a couple of people but we're not really at the hanging around level yet, and the guy I was interested in, seems not to be that interested in me. I miss my car. Sounds siilly eh? I know that when my car gets here it will be far easier to check things out in BC than on foot or by bus, so I'm looking fwd to it getting here in just over a week or so, but until then I hope this is a passing phase. I guess it will be, because shortly I'll be too absorbed to feel the effects of displacement.

2006-03-09T21:51:00.000-05:00

I will do this. I will do this myself. I am not going to use a stupid template. I will have to move my PC to someone's house who has the real information super highway and build a pretty site all on my own. Prepare to hear my wails of dispair at my own ignorance. I can't believe I know all these tech-salvey people and none of it rubbed off on me.

2006-03-09T19:15:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to make a website with a dial-up connection.

Now I am going to throw myself off of something, anything, it's awful.

First, I don't know anything about web design, and I think I've made the wrong choices on how to do it. (Register.com) Here I was thinking I could do it myself and I feel so dumb because obviously I still have no website. I have all these questions but don't have anyone to ask. Should I get some softwear and make it from scratch, due to their templates being really sucky and not anywhere near customizable enough for my liking? I know what I want, I just haven't any idea how to build it. How do I put in the shopping cart feature that I'm paying through the nose for, if I do it myself? (Yep, gonna try to set up an online gallery, optimistic huh?) Should I get rid of that feature? Secondly, I'm not on my own PC, so I don't have my beloved PShop or anything beyond what I've put on a CD. Perhaps the third thing may as well be that the hallway ceiling is leaking in 3 spots just to my left, and I can't think. I know I can do this, I just need someone to point me in the right direction...or advise me on who I should get to build it for me. Website Design for Dummies?

On the bright side, the place I'm housesitting for has a bathtub so large I can soak up to my nose in it. They also have cable. Some sort of cable, because I'm sure they don't have high speed anything up here. Not that I watch it, because I'm sitting here watching things load, but at least I could if I wanted to. Maybe I'll order up some XXX to comfort me while I wait for merciful relief.

Also I may have a short employment contract "somewhere else" coming up. No one will be more dissapointed than me if this one falls through.

2006-02-05T17:50:00.000-05:00

So I didn't get that job, no biggie.

Feeling better, and making soap molds of robots for Valentine's Day, they'll be really cute. I will give them to people who need a robot to love.

Replacing some firedoors in the Shwa, and am looking fwd to getting back to some real carpentry, but it's all cosmetic "resale purpose" reno-ing right now, as it's all wintry, alas.

I will get a new temporary crap website up soon, (read: 3 weeks-ish.) Still holding out for the money to get it professionally done.

A

2006-01-15T14:33:00.000-05:00

Oooh, I been so sick, and feeling sorry for myself.

Still don't know about that one job that I've had 4 interviews for. Four.

I just want to eat a big bacon classic, but I can't even drink a whole milkshake at this point, so I guess that's optimistic.

Brandy's in florida and I wish I was there.

2006-01-08T15:42:00.000-05:00

Love is wonderful. Congratulations to Chel and Matej on their engagement.

2005-12-15T22:45:00.000-05:00

Busy?

You betcha.

What's going on?

Hell if I know.

Do you like ambiguity?

No.

2005-11-26T08:46:00.000-05:00

I have outlined the essentials to a good life, a lovely life:

Free doughnuts
Free Kleenex Pocket Packs
Bacon (Pancakes and Melly's peaches are a bonus, if possible.)
Fresh Ground Coffee
Electric Blanket
Felt Lined Rubber Boots
Pie

I don't think it's hollow to live without the romantic ideals of "love" or "hope" when ones reality is pie based. I love pie. I hope to have pie. I can wipe it off my face with my Free Kleenex.

Or is that egg?

2005-11-20T13:51:00.000-05:00

Whew. Things are good. Lots of opportunities flying at my head, and I don't know how to pick the right one...this is a pleasant thing to have to complain about.

My compulsive shopping has landed me in some trouble, but, I don't really take it too seriously. At least I didn't buy a Mercedes. Mostly done shopping for the holidays. This is easy because I really only buy for my immediate family. My friends have to wait until I find something perfect for them, which never really ends up being at the "right" time. You can call me the new Constantine: I can make Christmas whenever I want too.

Maybe we should give Dec. 25th back to the pagans. Can't I just buy presents for people when I feel like it? I want to give my presents out now.

2005-11-05T11:53:00.000-05:00

Months just simply dissapear. Nutshell: Fell off a ladder and had to get my head glued shut. Working, sleeping.

I look up from whatever I'm doing, and it's _November_. It's times like this that reinforce how short life is, and that if you don't reach your arm out to jam it once in a while, the whirling mechanism of life will propell you past the places you long to stop and enjoy. I haven't talked to many of my friends in months, some I haven't connected with in years. It just _happens_. While I'm not one to take my youth and health for granted, sometimes it seems that it's going to slip away and I'll end up bitter and unsatisfied with life in a cubicle. I'm almost frantic to avoid this. Maybe that's a problem too.

I'm making cabinet doors out of Beech, and this takes a long time, and gives me lots of time to think. They are really beautiful, and I don't mind so much that i'm not making huge cash. I'm learning about Jazz while I sand. It's so very diverse. I go for walks in the woods, and love my new rubber boots. My last post was about trying to find a job in the city again, but i'm not so sure anything in that potential situation, other than the money, would be good for me right now. Maybe I'm too idealistic for the rat race right now. I'm thinking about taking this working vacation for a lot longer, and trying to do some things that i've always wanted to do. The things I want to do don't take a lot of money, they only require the time, and flexibility, and the guts to try.

I think I'll probably take another year off from what we ironically refer to as life. I'm going to force my brother to teach me how to play guitar. After seeing the Life Aquatic, i am re-invested in learning more than 3 chords, and I think if I give him something real to accomplish, (really, teaching me to play will require a gargantuan patience and effort,) he may not kill himself this winter.

Look forward to hearing about my upcoming show at Not My Dog. The work will be intimate and small, sensual and beautiful. (and probably about Fungi.) It's in February so make sure you plan to be at the opening.

2005-09-26T09:58:00.000-04:00

Well it's crappy weather and the jobsite's been been rained out. So I'm at my friends' place applying to all the job websites so I can get a fancy job again, at least for the winter.

I have discovered that I have a real thing for Fungi, and am taking pictures like mad, soon I will get some pictures up here, just hang in there. Maybe I'll even do some small studies for my Mushroom Diary.

I'm working on some illustrations for a children's book as well, it's about cats.

I don't have the patience to write any more, take care.

2005-09-17T15:54:00.000-04:00

Hi Y'all,
Summer's over, and i spent it camping and being pretty outdoorsy and happy. That was my only life goal at the beginning of the season, and now i have to let the reality of my life sink in a little, and make a plan. I quit smoking, and that's been about 3 months now.

Now we're scrambling to put firewood in the barn for winter, as the farm has yet to sell, and we hadn't planned on making it through the incredibly harsh winter here. A lot has happened since David and I split up: as you can guess; I've moved back to the farm, applied for many fancy jobs in the city, (not gotten any of them,) gone on some small road trips, gotten some gorey injuries, aquired an actual tan, learned more about carpentry, and gotten a heck of a lot of bug bites, stings, burrs, bruises etc...

I'm still really introspective, and i'm hurting and frustrated. The general thread of despair about having made no fwd momentum at all, and being a total failure, is being offset by my faith in life and love, and the steady belief that it could always be worse. I'm not sure where i'm going or what i'm doing and definitely feel like i'm off track, but i feel that if i just don't panic, or get too depressed, it will all work out in the end. Basically "Hang in there Baby," (kitten hanging from a tree should be visualized here,) my energy will come back and i'll make something exciting happen soon. And if it's not exciting at least there will be progress. I'm focusing on putting one foot firmly in front of the other, and taking it day to day.

I got licked by a horse this week which was very cute, but then again, i also put a framing nail most of the way through my finger. That's basically how everything's been going with me for the last couple of months: bizarre and funny, unlucky and painful. Maybe all of my good luck is being used up by countering the bad....maybe i could have nailed my finger to the collar tie and kicked the ladder out and ended up falling 2 stories or something awful like that. At any rate i can type again, and so here i am, promising to write more often and hoping everyone is good, and enjoying this great fall weather.

Luff luff,
A

2005-05-29T02:15:00.000-04:00

I took my previous post back into draft because I'm making it more concise.
I guess I re-read it, and thought about it, and I think I'm feeling even more introspective than before. I'll post some summer pics next week.

A

2005-04-23T23:50:00.000-04:00

So This Is My Life.

I watch girl/Vin Diesel movies after work, and Zombie sleeps on my chest with his head tucked under my chin.
This is good, for me, for now.

2005-04-11T13:18:00.000-04:00

Haven't you always wondered which Johnny Depp you were?
And if you were Johnny Depp, what would you wear?

2005-04-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

Congratulations to Bill Blair

I guess Matty can always DJ under the moniker Matt Flair or something.

2005-03-28T00:19:00.000-05:00

So you hate the Duvet part of the laundry process. Let me help you. I may be retarded, but I just figured this out and had to share. Forgive me, I'm so so tired.

2005-03-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

Step 1: Lay the duvet cover inside out with the bottom facing you. Stick your arms inside it.

2005-03-28T00:15:00.000-05:00

Step 2: Poke your arms all the way inside to the furthermost corners. These will eventually end up being at the head of the bed. (No buttons at the top this way.)

2005-03-28T00:14:00.000-05:00

Step 3: Grab and hold the duvet corners from the inside of the cover's corners. Hold on tight.

2005-03-28T00:12:00.000-05:00

Step 4: Grab the concentric sets of corners from the exterior, thereby turning the duvet cover rightside out, as you flip it.

2005-03-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

Step 5: While still holding the corners, stand on the bed and shake the duvet cover down over the duvet. It will be evenly distributed this way.

2005-03-28T00:06:00.000-05:00

Sleepy sleep baby sheep, and dream of your beloved zombies, and dead pets.

2005-03-27T16:11:00.000-05:00

Save a horse, ride a Cowgirl.

Brandy and I (seen here after the 40 of rum) went to Trenton Ontario for Easter dinner. It turned out to be a really good time, much fun had by all. I was happy to be an adopted member of her family, and bartender. We all went to Presquille after dinner and played on the beach picked up some great pebbles, played frisbee, flew kites, etc etc. Later, after dessert, I got my ass kicked all over the place by her family at cards. Her gran can pull aces out of nowhere. I spent some quality time with her niece and nephew, and taught them a thing or two about pouring the perfect beer, and mixing simple drinks. Hot tubbed utnil the wee hours, it was all good.

Cheers to you and yours!

2005-03-22T00:45:00.000-05:00

Girl Goal of the Year--Accomplished!

Firefox and Netscape were formatting ok, but apparently the fonts I was using in my earlier CSI post were what was causing the problem in Explorer. Fix-Fix! It looks craptacular now, but it'll do. If everyone would only switch to Firefox, I could stop worrying about it. Until then I must respect people's rights to use crappy browsers, and figure out how to write effectively without using italics.

I had this goal to learn how to walk in smokin' stiletto heals. As of tonight, I can check that one off the list. I walked 2 blocks to dinner tonight, (thsuper cool to see Neil down this way,) and have the enormous blister to back me up. Please note: all that shit behind me, yes you do see every system known to man; they're not mine. As i've said, I'm more of a book nerd than...well maybe...tools... and uh, robots... but the only video game I've played recently is Katamari Damacy, which I highly recommend. Personally I'd rather put that kind of money into a plasma cutter. Damn, now that is sexy.

Good news: the whole reason I have these delectable daggers to don is due to the siren call of rock. Finally, the last CD I ordered has arrived. The music shop called me, and drew me in, and I spotted the spikey beauties along the way. Now all I have to do is spend countless hours trying to figure out how hard my rock is, whether there's going to be a gentle prelude, any respite, or just hammer it all the way, untill you feel it. Feel it in your chest, blow out your speakers, and get kicked out of your apartment. Can I get ah "HELL YEAH!"?

...rolling your own...no one to take home...
like you got no soul... ain't got no...
heal you warn you hold you warm you
It's all I got
but it's what I got
and I got it bad...

2005-03-14T05:38:00.001-05:00

Fuck You--It's the Forensics-Off!

I actually thought up a lyrical poem about these two comforting fellows, while laying on the couch hunting for more CSI. So tired, so very very tired. Something along the lines of Grissom was here first, with his catchy one liners. He needs a hug, but don't put up with whiners.

Basically the point is that I've now accepted CSI: Miami and David Caruso as Horatio Caine, grudgingly, into what passes for the sometimes loosely "forensic" story telling in my TV viewing. He needs moisturizer, but he's all right. I believe him when he says he'll get you. Clearly a win-win situation when you find two back to back episodes that you haven't seen.

"Mac" Taylor on CSI: NY doesn't quite live up to the sly cheese you've come to expect from Grissom, or the drawling dryness of Caine, but the worst essence of both. I don't trust him. "Bring a spatula." Indeed. The best part of that script is that the investigator acually brought one, and proceeded to use it. Yes yes, to pry up a flattened body.

To Gary Sinise: The year is 2035, and you are an astronaut. You and three other astronauts must travel to Mars, dodge asteroids, and experience high G-force!

2005-03-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

Tip of the hat to Pete for some of his tone.

I used the word irregardless in an email as a joke, while poking fun at someone. Nobody found it funny, or even noticed it. Here's why they should have:

"Irregardless is a word that many mistakenly believe to be correct usage in formal style, when in fact it is used chiefly in nonstandard speech or casual writing. Coined in the United States in the early 20th century, it has met with a blizzard of condemnation for being an improper yoking of irrespective and regardless and for the logical absurdity of combining the negative ir- prefix and -less suffix in a single term." [It has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so, although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes...] (sic.)1

"...like debone, and unravel." I finished, while scrubbing the one remaining plate in the sink. I'm a bad person because I generally don't fill the sink, but let the water run, as I wash and rinse.

"Sort of like flammable/inflammable." I add helpfully.

"But can you ever really bone something?" David says, pausing to absorb my level brow.

I think this is the part of the story where I called him a Chinaman and asked him where he learned Engerish. He then showed me where he learned it, which was the place where he was also taught to punch ladies in their bellies. 2

Then, Dave and Pam came upstairs, and I informed Dave that I need his expert assistance in choosing the arch top guitar of my dreams; because, should I ever become rich 3, I would need to know which of these beauties to pose beside. (If I could decide, I would post the links for you. They're so beautiful.) If Dave had hands they'd be shaped like guitars. His current hands are busy playing WoW.

"Do they have a maker?" He asked. I squirmed.

"Well uh, none of the big brands like I'd know, like Fender," Dave looked at me some more, " Or Fender," I say, after an uncomfortable pause. "Not that I'm well versed, being a...the...is the word...where's the word...neo-phyte." (Ah Keanu, bringing it on home for me again, like sweet, sweet candy.)

"That works. You could also use plebe, catechuman, greenhorn..." Dave supplied agreeably, showing off his degree in rhetoric.

"Don't forget philistine!" David exclaimed from the kitchen. (No, this was where I called him a Chinaman and the tummy punching ensued. Tactfully, Dave and Pam decided this was the best time to leave.

David does need better self esteem, but I only let David have the upper hand for show. You want to know why he never talks? Because his jaw's been wired shut on account o' all that punching him in the face I do.4

Sho' you heard me right, "I'm the boss of the hotsauce."5

1. Dictionary.Com: " Although one might reasonably argue that it is no different from words with redundant affixes like debone and unravel, it has been considered a blunder for decades and will probably continue to be so. " Orig.
2.This place is apparently Ireland, and full of Chinamen.
3.The average starting price is upwards of $4,500USD. If only I had $17,000USD for the really nice one.
4.This never happens. David and I only express our affection for one another by purchasing too much Life cereal.
5. "The Boss Lady," Davis Jones as covered by The Detroit Cobras' album: Life, Love and Leaving.

2005-03-09T05:54:00.000-05:00

I should probably take the time a make a "sleepless" blog; to tell the stories, the ramblings, and musings that come into my head while i watch my fingers on the keys...thinking that it's time to go to bed and wishing i could find another crossword to do. I thought that it was time to got to bed at 2:30 as well, and that went perfectly as you can see. It would probably be good to separate these types of thoughts from the day to day blog updates and commentary on things that aren't going bump in the night, but oh well:

I'm trying to take breaks from my sleeping pills becasue they impact rather unglamourous parts of my life negatively. I also tend to get incredibly tired at about 9pm, but don't go to sleep, because I don't want to get up at 5am. (ah irony.) I tend to re-think both of those ideas right around this time of night, and would probably sleep through my afternoon class if i took my pills now. I do get the nights where i go to bed believing in what i feel, and everything lines up and makes sense, and i fall alseep after taking the time to savour that novelty. I don't know what personal hurdles i'm going to have to climb over to get those particular nights to be the regular pattern, and relinquish the rattled, confused, mind racing nights, (where i try to imagine rationalizing my actions and feelings so as to be understandable to the people in my life,) to the waste bin of my subconscious.

The thing is, subjective experiences such as reality are completely relative. So even if i can make things make sense to myself, and get back to backing my decisions 100%, i still have to deal with all the shit from other people potentially rejecting what i have to say and feel, or worse, disagreeing with me about how I feel about things. I say screw that--right now, while i'm not trying to sleep and supporting myself emotionally to do what's right for me--but try telling that to my brain when it hits the pillow... I also try that sneaky yoga technique, where you tell yourself that it's ok not to worry about things and go to sleep, because all that garbage that's bugging you will still be there when you open your eyes again.

Try, try, and try again.

2005-03-07T03:39:00.000-05:00

The Worldwide TIO Exclusive

Who's ready to ask the hard questions, selflessly explore uncharted territory, take the risks that no one else is willing to? That's right, Take It Outside is here for you. And I've got the skinny on the most asked question of this year:

ALP: Diet Pepsi Twist, Do you taste better before or after, what must have been a horrible, painful ordeal to you? I realize this must be hard for you, take your time, please.

DPT: (sniffling noisely) I even have a new improved taste as you can see in the picture. I just want to be loved, I change everything for them and look what they made me do. I hate myself so much.

ALP: I understand this must be so difficult for you to talk about, the past 2 years of being the new kid on the block, being almost universally maligned, having your self respect undermined by every cola around you, but I really must know, you owe it to the people watching your story unfold; do you taste better?

DPT: No. They tell me, no. (quietly sobbing)

Diet Pepsi Twist seen here, been torturously processed through a Brita filter, one dark night during March.

2005-03-04T18:42:00.000-05:00

I hate this. I am prone to crying and it certainly doesn't help any.

2005-03-04T13:12:00.000-05:00

Judit sent me an xls fwd entitled "Found an ideal job for you!" And it made me laugh; the irony, the pure co-incidence, the... the... stupidness of it, it cheered me up right good. I put in my usual moniker and came up as a suicide bomber, i put in the name i've been thinking about starting to use, that came out jungle explorer. I entered many of my friends names, and had a good laugh at their expense as well.

But i don't want to be a suicide bomber. Even though it seems, emotionally, that is exactly what i am.

2005-03-02T18:06:00.000-05:00

There's so much snow that I have no place left to put it. I've shovelled 5 times in the last two days, and it's still snowing. I LIKE to shovel snow, because it's great to get outside and work. I'm very out of shape, and it makes me feel good to do something, instead of _trying_ to do something monotonous like the eliptical trainer. From the perspective of a country girl, going to a gym makes me feel like it's vanity muscle that i'm getting, not real muscles from working. this sounds weird i guess, if you're city bred and need gyms to get exercise, but maybe you'll understand. So, while some people are off playing in the sun, on beaches, i'm here gloating over my finished taxes, (already in the mail,) and my enourmous pile of snow.

2005-02-23T12:17:00.000-05:00

This is adorable. That's all I have to say today, please enjoy!

2005-02-21T15:18:00.000-05:00

It was really windy. It was good to hang out in the mighty K-town for a little while, and see Bill, at The Jungle.

2005-02-21T15:11:00.000-05:00

I ate a turkey dinner and went ice skating in Kingston this weekend. Brandy and I went down for her B-day.

2005-02-15T16:37:00.000-05:00

so installing a car stereo is not rocket science. i know this. but:

after disconnecting, reconnecting, disconecting the new stereo a couple of times, i'm assured that my wiring is not the problem, with my fancy butt connectors and impeccable wiring aesthetic.The new stereo has power and pretty looking graphics, reads CDs fine, but there's no sound. after taking my doors apart to see if there was a short in one of the speakers, i realize that is not the problem either. So i'm really frustrated at this point becasue i'm not stupid, but for the life of me can't figure out what the problem is. So i head down to talk to the cute boys at Future Shop installations, toting my new stereo, my connections and fancy new interface to see if there's something i'm missing. These guys are so nice to me, (even though i don't pay them ever,) and they test all my bits and decide categorically that it's the actual stereo. Because even when stereos read things, and have power, they may not have functioning OUTPUT. AHHHHH.

of course i went to Korea, so it's been more than a month since xmas, and i can't return it. GAAAHHH. i'll have to ship it back to the company. BLAARRRGH

2005-02-14T18:53:00.000-05:00

Regarding Valentine's Day:
We didn't do anything last year and we aren't doing anything this year. I would argue it would be because "[I]'ve torpedoed romance right through the hull and out the other side." You can guess that i never really got into Titanic.

What's really important:
How to fix shorted out speakers. you can't rock out without speakers. (This is the current stage of my car's stereo installation, which is turning out to be more like rocket science than i'd ever expected.) Connect the colour coded wires indeed.

What's truly important:
That material things can't bring you happiness, only the love around you and within blah blah blah.

2005-02-08T20:52:00.000-05:00

I went on a buying binge today and it felt wonderful.

Down in the doldrums I've been, and to get a breath of fresh air from my palpable miasma, (is this a mixed metphor?) I went on the search for rock.* I got blessed with a new car stereo this xmas, and in preparation for it's installation, i'm updating my Ipod, getting rid of my jewel cases, and planning my new playlists/compilation CDs. I've been without CDs in my car forever. I mean it. For as long as I've owned a car, which is well over a decade now, i've never had a CD player. I'm lucky if i've had a tape deck for heaven's sake. The one in my current 2002 is busted. Figures.

So I went into HMV/Sunrise and went a little nuts. I only meant to buy a CD binder and order 2 CDs, but then they have this promotion and i got all promoted into it. So I ordered the new Shikasta album, and the Black Keys album from 2002...but then i picked up the new Black Keys, Donnas, Skinny Puppy, 2 Interpol albums, The latest Cure, and that odd album by Blank&Jones feat. Robert Smith. And as I pitched out my non recyclable jewel cases, I threw up the horns. and. i. rocked. out.

"I've got soul, but I'm...not a soldier..." (off the Killers album)

I've spent most of this year not listening to music, (due to it being in boxes,) not listening to MY music, hating ALT rock radio, and i feel it really has impacted me emotionally. I realized that i'm lonely if i don't have music. Now this is something I can rectify, and have.

If anyone wants a copy of the soon to be famous "ROCKORAMA" CD that i'm dreaming up, lemme know. I'm feeling good, writing some more tunes for the guitar that i'm not really learning how to play, and smiling. When I'm finally done, I'll post the tracks so you can see if you were also born to rock.

*I like my electronica, don't get me wrong, and the Blank&Jones/Robert Smith is crazy awesome.

2005-02-07T16:00:00.000-05:00

Running 2 PCs with the same stuff in this house. One will run Japanese language inputs the way it's supposed to and one will not. You can guess by my tone that the machine that i need it to run on is mine; also, that mine is not the one that it runs on. WTF: to the heavens, i swear by Thor's mighty hammer that this computer is gonna get smashed one of these days. I'm avoiding driving to the university to take my Japanese Reading Exam. I'm just hoping that i do better than last time, where i didn't break a 70. I have to overcome a monumental indifference to everything in my life at this point; I'm not motivated, not interested, and not feeling well. I still feel out of sorts with being back in Canada, and am envious of my friends who are not here, or who are leaving here soon. I'm trying to organize my photos of Korea but it's a ways off for the slideshow still I think, at least a couple of days. I have to have it ready if i go visit my parents this weekend.

2005-02-02T03:05:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Canada, it's very cold. I'm sort of really sick but i'm probably getting better. I feel really disjointed because i wasn't ready to come back, and made a lot of friends that i know i'll probably never see again. i've been sleeping most of the time and trying to get up the energy to go outside and run errands. I've got to get back into the daily grind of St. Cat's, which isn't very exciting; and i've got to try to make it to Japanese class so i can begin to catch up. I've got a JET interview in a couple of weeks, which I am excited about, and need to get a haircut for.

2005-01-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

I have just a little over one week left to go here in Korea; it's been a really interesting experience. I went to a traditional bath house after a 6 hour wander, after work yesterday, and it was wonderful. The people here are really generous. I would have to say, without fail, when asked for directions, the Koreans will point out the way on the map; then they'll surprise you by ushering you to their cars and giving you a lift. The sauna and bathhouse was cheaper than a bad coffee. We were asking about where to find a coffee place in a swimsuit store, and the salesgirl dissapeared on us. Little did we expect that she was actually making us coffee, and we sat around trying to talk, and sipping the best coffee i've had in a while! I have the day off today. The next batch of kids arrives in the afternoon tomorrow, and i'm expecting them to be crazy, becasue they are so young and energetic.

I've eaten some pretty weird stuff.

2005-01-18T08:16:00.000-05:00

I can't play pool unless i'm drunk apparently.
:(
The Koreans have this neat game galled four ball, which is played on a table very similiar to a billiards table, only there's no pockets. I'm not sure how to play yet, but it looked pretty fun. The koreans are teaching us games and we hang out everynight, so they can practice their english. I think we should go bowling. Mmn bowling.

Yes even in Korea, I'm still a loser.

2005-01-08T10:23:00.000-05:00

Hi from Korea
lots of adventures, but i am very tired, so am only saying hello. my wisdom teeth seem to have been taken out incorrectly. i gathered this by the fact that i have shards of teeth poking through my healing gums. This is exactly what i need while in a foreign country...hope that i don't get infected and man, if i do, i'm gonna spank the oral surgeon when i get back. I'm losing my Ls and my Rs and have to wear a camp sweater most of the time. where i am located is surrounded by a mountain range to the north west, and the ocean to the north east. pretty nice view in the am, with the sun coming over the ranges, and the forests all around. My kids are great, and we get a new batch in a couple of days. Send me emails! It's very odd here.
my post says jan 8at 10 am but really it's the 9th, and late at night.

Hugs for everyone!

2004-12-27T20:11:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays Everyone!
I've been spoiled this season, and got more presents than I could have ever wanted. It's really odd to feel that way, but i don't habitually pump up my holiday expectations too much because this time of year is usually over-emotional, disaster riddled, and frustrating. This year hasn't let me down in that respect, but I don't usually get my ass spoiled off the way that i have this year, and i'll take the good with the bad and let them cancel one another out. leave it at weird. I'm recovering nicely--albeit suckily--from having my wisdom teeth taken out. The satisfaction of an almost painless Big Bacon Classic is a beautiful thing. I'm heading to Korea tomorrow, and will be back at the beginning of February. I'm nervous because i'm not really brave, or too experienced a traveller. I hope that i don't fall too far behind in my Japanese class. I did well on the exam, ahem, i got 90%. I hope that after I return, this coming year will bring me some much needed relaxation, peace and quiet. Shh, don't burst my bubble quite yet.

2004-12-13T13:06:00.000-05:00

Watashi wa Nihongo o benkyoo shimasu.

Of course i'm lying. i've spent the last hour fiddling with my blog; i think i'm getting more inventive in the coding dept; the best part is that it all seems to be working. I'm still a non smoker, and still broke. Being this serious has real physical consequences: every muscle in my body is giving its best inpersonation of a Monkey's Fist. Lack of sleep is going to inspire some truly interesting life decisions. Well, they'll be interesting to me at least.

If you have good taste in music, come out to the Shikasta, C'mon, and Starvin' Hungry show in Hamilton on the 17th. Or go look for shows that are closer to you. Great bands, all of them. DL Shikasta's new video here.

2004-12-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

I finished a friend's tattoo design today. it's pretty. i think when i build my website, i'll have a section for my designs. the website that seems never to materialize.

don't bug me about it. i'm in a terrible mood.
:)

2004-11-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

I made it through the week without smoking. I've got hives. I've got a bad attitude. All I want to do is smoke, but I'm not. This is mostly because I'm broke, but I didn't smoke when I had a free opportunity either. I'm also not drinking enough water; my goal of starting to work out, this week, has fallen through the cracks. Maybe next week I can focus on that again, as I can't even haul my ass out of bed early enough to have the time. This is because I'm having some of the worst dreams I've ever had. Not neccesarily the scariest, but just terrible, nonetheless. They go on for ages, then I can't sleep, then when I finally fall back asleep I have more too-revealing dreams, and then I have to get up.

Oh, and on a sidenote: I went to the Pixies show last night, and it was pretty good. I was in line talking with David about how it was the second show, so it was unlikely that anyone I knew would be there. But I was wrong, there were 6 people that I ran into. that made me very happy.

P.S. (on Nov 29th) I was wrong on 2 counts: not only were people that I know there, it was also the first show, not the second.

2004-11-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

This is day 2 without a cigarette. While i'm bored to tears with the amount of times i've tried to quit, and irritated by the fact that i always break out, i think it says something that i keep trying. i think it says is that i'm spineless, and don't really have enough positive motivation to be invested in actually quitting for good. but smoking is a disgusting, expensive habit that will kill me, so i keep trying. i'd like to blame two of my best friends--Brandy and my Dad--for taunting me with their death stix, but really that's just a poor excuse for me letting myself fall off the wagon everytime i see them.

here's to not getting in my car to go buy cancer, here's to hiding from my neighbours so they don't slip me smokes, and here's to making it through the next 5 days of weakening chemical dependence without peeling anyone's face off.

2004-11-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

I got to go down my parents' well yesterday. This little adventure required suspending a ladder down it (hung on a 2x4) and going into the depths with nary but a harness to clip on when i got down about 25 feet to do what i was there to do. it made me feel like all the risky things i've done actually come in handy; useful skills for the people i care for. and i didn't drop anything into the water either. It's been a beautiful couple of days, sunny and inspirational.

i got to see an old friend who has just come back from Japan before he and his gf move to England, and i got to stay with some others. I got woken up with my "niece" Athena being dropped into my arms. i know it sounds retardedly cheesy to say this, but being with a baby who is delighted to see you in the morning is a great way to start the day.

this would also be a great way to start the day.

2004-11-03T09:50:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since i've last posted. A lot has happened since the morning of Blake's wedding and a lot of the things that happened were sad, bad, and difficult. So let me tell you about the good things: I joined a volleyball team, so i play once a week. I got spectacularly good reference letters from my old bosses at RBC. I finished my TEFL certification and am trying to get a short job in Korea. (Just for the month of January.) I'm hopeful that i'll be able to find short term "seasonal" work until then but don't have the time to actually go out and apply anywhere yet! How can someone with no job be so busy? well, i appreciate the busy-ness, for without it i would be more lost than i already am. too much time to think is bad. i'm still not finished the reno project either, and it's really bugging me, i would just like to get it finished but something always came up.

My goals this month are to complete the reno, take another module in TEFL, apply to JET, get a part time job, and try to eat a little more healthy. And maybe buy some underwear. As someone on CSI once said: " a girl with worn out drawers is just sad." (or something like that.) (I too have fallen before the candylike viewing treat that is CSI.) i got some long sleeved heavier shirts and a sweater yesterday. i realized that as i toss all my ridiculously worn out clothes, the only things i have left are tanks and t's, which didn't bode well for the extra wet dampness that infuses the Niagara region. it feels good to have less clothes though, it's organized, if not glamourous. Okaymaybe some of my clothes are glamourous, but i rarely get to wear them.

2004-10-05T15:03:00.000-04:00

So we have a new member of our household. His name is Dave. for simplicity, my David will remain David. It's not very remarkable having another person in the house. he doesn't cramp my style in any way, and is pretty quiet. I'm still not finished doing work in the basement, like the bathroom isn't even started yet, but he has a place to live and doesn't seem to mind that the hallway outside his apartment is still unfinished. there are some positives with him moving in: he talks, (anyone who knows David, knows that i don't get much in the way of conversation,) and he knows many instruments, and is willing to teach me how to play guitar. this is pretty cool. I've signed up to play volleyball on Thursdays as well so hopefully i'll be busier and happier through the coming winter than i was during the past one, which was horrible. my classes are going well, and i'm looking fwd to seeing some friends at Blake's wedding this upcoming weekend.

2004-09-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

yep, i'm still working on the drywall and it's the 23rd. this dosen't bode well. i should be done today, because the windows should be here by tomorrow and i want to focus on installing them. i lose the weekend to work, because no matter how much pressure there is, i need my life back for the last weekends of the "summer," and hey, there's another person living in this house who is capable of doing some work. D's actually been helping quite a bit, which makes me less bitter about this whole project. we're still going to be quite behind, and just skidding into the finish line at the last possible second. maybe. so much work left to do and the plumbing isn't even started in the downstairs bathroom. things left to do before the end of the month: some drywall, new windows, painting, trim, the entire bathroom, carpet.

wish us luck, because we're going to need it. that, and an extra couple of weeks.

2004-09-16T09:39:00.000-04:00

I'm blogging to loosen up my fingers so i can get back to work. i've been doing drywall in the basement for a couple of days now and my hands are locked into action figures' famous "Kung-Fu" grips. i don't really want to work today but the pressure is on, we're running out of time, and even though D took 3 days off to help me, we only made so much progress. my deal was this: if he wanted to add more work to the list of things to do, he had to do the work. So he had to learn how to tile, because i refused to take on the project. I'm not sure how he feels about manual labour but i can only assume it's not his thing, due to all the swearing. Whereas, i can tell he likes me because he buys me Life cereal, and now i have 3 boxes.

2 weeks to go, and then i get what's left of my life, back.

2004-09-15T08:17:00.000-04:00

The drywall is hung in the basement, and taped. I'm trying to finish it and prime by next week. i miss the sun. I'm not doing much besides working and going to Japanese. I'm tired.

2004-09-06T13:38:00.000-04:00

Certain events defy comprehension. Some of the same events, as a direct result of their offensive nature, truly discourage any possible bridge between wanting to understand, and actually getting the rationale and ideologly behind mystifying actions. As the people of Beslan start to bury their dead, i'm left with a number of questions for the alleged mixed ethnicity/Chechen force, truly terrorists in my eyes. I know most of them are dead, so they can't explain what they were thinking, and how killing people taking their kids to school was a rational protest, and how the siege could possibly give them leverage for independance. I just don't get it. By doing this, they've alienated even those of us who want to understand all sides to an argument and give everyone a chance to speak. By carefully planning the hostage taking, and then killing a largely innocent population of people who had little, if anything to do with your problem just doesn't make sense. i haven't been able to find any reporting that tries to explain their vantage point, and i'm distressed. I would like it to be insane ranting, that would easily be dismissed as the raving of a group of cult like extremists. I want to separate them from a people who have a completely legitimate claim regarding their violent disenfranchisement. I don't want this situation to become so unreasonable as to facilitate the acts of further genocide "validated" by the quest for revenge. There will be 40 days of orthodox mourning and then (if not before then,) the shit will hit the fan.

2004-08-30T17:23:00.000-04:00

the basement is now a pile of smoking rubble soon to be discarded for new drywall and fresh paint. i find that the amount of work this is going to entail, may not be entirely worth it. the decision to rent out the basement, once finshed, has been made. so it'll be all pretty and new, but we won't get to use it. a shame. the HUGE bin for dispossal is arriving tomorrow, and i look forward to inventing reasons to throw everything i possibly can, out.

2004-08-26T14:57:00.000-04:00

i really want KD. not really. more accurately i should be saying that i crave President's Choice White Cheddar Macaroni and Cheese. i could eat the cooked contents of a whole box. mmn. the fact that i don't have any, and refuse to buy any for just such a reason, is not lost on me. Damnable forethought.

no, i don't have anything else to say.

2004-08-18T22:06:00.000-04:00

people seem to be taking punctuation and capitalization quite seriously lately. this is good in theory, but i'm against it if it turns us into churlish versions of the lovable "fire it up!" edity types we all know and love. (Go, Pinkerton, go!) first i'll re-bring attention to Wired uncrowning the internet of its "I." secondly, the New Yorker's scathingly nitpicky review of Eats, Shoots & Leaves. i though this was almost childish. because i'm lazy, here's a tidy article on common blogging flaws-- all which i'm guilty of--to help us better ourselves and keep readers. because that's why i write in my blog; i'm gathering hordes of fans, not selfishly putting my rather myopic thoughts up for the few people who check in once in a while.

the goal of my blog is world peace.

2004-08-10T16:08:00.000-04:00

i learned how to put up evestroughs. i've gardened. i've ripped out and planted even more shrubs. my everything is so sore. but i feel better than i have in ages, and while all that crap that's getting me down is still there, i've been too busy to pay much attention to it. i know it'll pass someday and i just have to remember that i'm waiting it out--because sometimes i forget. i've recognized the corelation of feeling good, with the active challenging of myself. i don't know if i'll get to the point where i can relax happily, (as opposed to uneasily,) or if i'm going to be a go! go! type of girl for the rest of my life. i only seem to be really happy when i'm pushing myself, to learn, to go, to do. (DO!) i'm gearing up to go work abroad next summer for a while because it's something i've always wanted to do, and i really hope i get a good job and am looking forward to the challenge. this is some time off still, but i am worried that i'll never settle down. because i think: "i'll go to this country, after this one." i'm not a kid anymore and i wonder if i'll always have the urge to run. i feel really bad for david because he can see me chomping at the bit, and he isn't.

2004-08-04T12:22:00.000-04:00

i've enrolled in some classes, went skydiving on the weekend, and am trying to focus more on living and doing the things that i want; than brooding about being a directionless emotional misfit. i've reached the point where i've accepted that sometimes there is actually nothing i can do, and try to wait patiently for the things to resolve themselves.

2004-08-01T12:55:00.000-04:00

The summer's almost over and i find myself barely keeping up with the list of what i wanted to do at the beginning of the summer, and letting go of a lot that i wanted to do throughout. working on letting go; i'm trying to learn that every terrible thing that happens, isn't the end of the world, no matter how much it hurts. i've been thinking about the nature of redemption. my theory is that if you feel bad about the things that you have done, you'll always feel bad about those things, whether you've tried to redeem yourself, pay penance, or make amends. there is no redemption. this is a continuation of my thoughts on accepting yourself for what you are. (july 8.) the list of the terrible things that i've done surely outweighs the wonderful; or is it that i don't remember any of the good deeds i do?

2004-07-21T11:07:00.000-04:00

i don't really know how to articulate this feeling, so here's what happened: sunday morning started great, my dad and i got high centred in the jimmy and had to drag it out with my truck. this is usually a good way to start a day, it's fun, messy, and always a bonding experience. then when i was going to head back to the city, i ran over my parent's deaf, nearly blind dog while backing out of the barnyard. that was horrible. we were told up until yesterday that she was actually going to be fine. a miracle! but then they got a second opinion and had her put to death due to the extensive nature of her injuries. i feel so guilty i won't let myself cry. the fact that it was an accident doesn't make it any less terrible.

2004-07-14T17:36:00.001-04:00

it's too gloomy out to bike ride. and so, i'm restoring what order i can to my little universe. it's amazing both; how long it takes, and how good it feels, to have general crap all organized and updated. there is purpose and comfort here, and planning can be accomplished. all i have left to do is tune my guitar, which i'm terrible at and put off repeatedly so i don't have to practice. but it's a distraction nonetheless, so i should get off my ass and do it.

2004-07-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

sometimes talking things out makes things worse, but it's better to have everything on the table. i know when i hold back things that i should say, it makes me feel terrible; and far worse then revealing the terrible thoughts that i conceal. i'm trying to come to terms with being a terrible and selfish person. the problem is, that i am only human, and with that nature comes a weakness, a reluctance to accept who i am, a timidness that makes me cringe instead of embracing myself; good and bad. someday i wll revel in my me-ness, but that time is not now. right now there's so many things happening to those i care about, and myself; that there is no time for self help and self love, there isn't even enough time to put out the fires. so my website sucks ass, my relationships are failing because i push people away, and i can't even tell perfect strangers the truth. the ideals that i've burned into my flesh--betrayed.

2004-06-28T17:40:00.000-04:00

i still have no freakin idea what's going on in my life, but i assure you, that it's still all very confusing and overwrought. i feel as though if i just hang on, and don't push too hard, it will all become more clear in a couple of years. i'm so tired though, and feel sorry for myself.

2004-06-16T00:24:00.000-04:00

i'm up to my arms in matte medium, working my ass off towards a deadline i know i'll never meet. maybe. ah life.

2004-06-02T10:57:00.000-04:00

"be careful what you wish for, you might just get it." is that how it goes?

2004-06-01T16:09:00.000-04:00

i'm painting my kitchen. words to the wise: tried and true ways of killing both conversations and appetites are certain shades of green. (this has been tested but i can't find the link at this point)it took me some days to put my finger on the reason, but i persevered and unwound this small problem. 2 kitchens by which i've recently been offended, are both completely different, completely terrible shades of green. i'm going to take it for granted that neither of the guilty parties are culinary wizards, as both colours are completely counter-intuitive to a pleased palate. unfortuately i'm inamorata of neither person, and have only my blog and my fabulous, freshly painted kitchen to console me.

2004-05-26T11:53:00.000-04:00

the greater irony is not lost on me: as i demolish a stone and brick monstrosity in the backyard, i scramble to pick out the pieces of fool's gold and lay them carefully aside. i remember last night's dreams, and stare unseeing at the ground.

2004-05-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

it's scary how fast a year will go by. i remember that this is my life, and it's slipping through my fingers without my getting any wiser. everything is a choice, yes, but often we choose others over ourselves; and sometimes that's not as satisfying as it should be. today i will drive under the piercing blue sky by myself.

2004-05-21T17:42:00.000-04:00

i'm now trying to smash something in the back yard that appears to be indestructable. indestructable things are made for smashing, it's a challenge to the gods.

2004-05-21T10:48:00.000-04:00

"i love you and it hurts. i hate you and it hurts. i need you, and it destroys me."
i'm going the wrong way and my heart is breaking because i'm being told to turn around. but i don't want to turn around, and i don't know when i'll be able to want to.
i don't want to accept that this is the way things are going to be.

2004-05-20T16:40:00.000-04:00

i'm pretty miserable. i know that the happiness that i'm capable of is just around the corner, but sometimes it seems so far away it's hard to keep working towards it. and yes, i am trying to quit smoking. how'd you guess?

2004-05-18T08:16:00.000-04:00

i had a dream about cuba. what a combo: dreams about mom and i in cuba. it's just wrong.

2004-05-17T10:34:00.000-04:00

i'm busy lately. today i'm thinking about "belonging" vs "not belonging."

2004-05-10T15:15:00.000-04:00

i'm thinking about "the emotional" vs "the logical" today.