take it outside


Wednesday, March 09, 2005

I should probably take the time a make a "sleepless" blog; to tell the stories, the ramblings, and musings that come into my head while i watch my fingers on the keys...thinking that it's time to go to bed and wishing i could find another crossword to do. I thought that it was time to got to bed at 2:30 as well, and that went perfectly as you can see. It would probably be good to separate these types of thoughts from the day to day blog updates and commentary on things that aren't going bump in the night, but oh well:

I'm trying to take breaks from my sleeping pills becasue they impact rather unglamourous parts of my life negatively. I also tend to get incredibly tired at about 9pm, but don't go to sleep, because I don't want to get up at 5am. (ah irony.) I tend to re-think both of those ideas right around this time of night, and would probably sleep through my afternoon class if i took my pills now. I do get the nights where i go to bed believing in what i feel, and everything lines up and makes sense, and i fall alseep after taking the time to savour that novelty. I don't know what personal hurdles i'm going to have to climb over to get those particular nights to be the regular pattern, and relinquish the rattled, confused, mind racing nights, (where i try to imagine rationalizing my actions and feelings so as to be understandable to the people in my life,) to the waste bin of my subconscious.

The thing is, subjective experiences such as reality are completely relative. So even if i can make things make sense to myself, and get back to backing my decisions 100%, i still have to deal with all the shit from other people potentially rejecting what i have to say and feel, or worse, disagreeing with me about how I feel about things. I say screw that--right now, while i'm not trying to sleep and supporting myself emotionally to do what's right for me--but try telling that to my brain when it hits the pillow... I also try that sneaky yoga technique, where you tell yourself that it's ok not to worry about things and go to sleep, because all that garbage that's bugging you will still be there when you open your eyes again.

Try, try, and try again.


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