the greater irony is not lost on me: as i demolish a stone and brick monstrosity in the backyard, i scramble to pick out the pieces of fool's gold and lay them carefully aside. i remember last night's dreams, and stare unseeing at the ground.

it's scary how fast a year will go by. i remember that this is my life, and it's slipping through my fingers without my getting any wiser. everything is a choice, yes, but often we choose others over ourselves; and sometimes that's not as satisfying as it should be. today i will drive under the piercing blue sky by myself.

i'm now trying to smash something in the back yard that appears to be indestructable. indestructable things are made for smashing, it's a challenge to the gods.

"i love you and it hurts. i hate you and it hurts. i need you, and it destroys me."
i'm going the wrong way and my heart is breaking because i'm being told to turn around. but i don't want to turn around, and i don't know when i'll be able to want to.
i don't want to accept that this is the way things are going to be.

i'm pretty miserable. i know that the happiness that i'm capable of is just around the corner, but sometimes it seems so far away it's hard to keep working towards it. and yes, i am trying to quit smoking. how'd you guess?

i had a dream about cuba. what a combo: dreams about mom and i in cuba. it's just wrong.

i'm busy lately. today i'm thinking about "belonging" vs "not belonging."

i'm thinking about "the emotional" vs "the logical" today.

i'm pissy today, and have too much too do. how is it that i'm jobless, and it seems like there's less time to do things? blargh.

i wonder if crane operators ever have crane fights after hours, when the contruction site is empty of all but their towering glory.

i'm back in wine country after my little tour to see some people. "full moon fidget" describes my status nicely.

i hope i don't lose my analog nature because of this.