i don't really know how to articulate this feeling, so here's what happened: sunday morning started great, my dad and i got high centred in the jimmy and had to drag it out with my truck. this is usually a good way to start a day, it's fun, messy, and always a bonding experience. then when i was going to head back to the city,  i ran over my parent's deaf, nearly blind dog while backing out of the barnyard.  that was horrible. we were told up until yesterday that she was actually going to be fine. a miracle! but then they got a second opinion and had her put to death due to the extensive nature of her injuries. i feel so guilty i won't let myself cry. the fact that it was an accident doesn't make it any less terrible.

it's too gloomy out to bike ride. and so, i'm restoring what order i can to my little universe. it's amazing both; how long it takes, and how good it feels, to have general crap all organized and updated. there is purpose and comfort here, and planning can be accomplished. all i have left to do is tune my guitar, which i'm terrible at and put off repeatedly so i don't have to practice. but it's a distraction nonetheless, so i should get off my ass and do it.

sometimes talking things out makes things worse, but it's better to have everything on the table. i know when i hold back things that i should say, it makes me feel terrible; and far worse then revealing the terrible thoughts that i conceal. i'm trying to come to terms with being a terrible and selfish person. the problem is, that i am only human, and with that nature comes a weakness, a reluctance to accept who i am, a timidness that makes me cringe instead of embracing myself; good and bad. someday i wll revel in my me-ness, but that time is not now. right now there's so many things happening to those i care about, and myself; that there is no time for self help and self love, there isn't even enough time to put out the fires. so my website sucks ass, my relationships are failing because i push people away, and i can't even tell perfect strangers the truth. the ideals that i've burned into my flesh--betrayed.