I made it through the week without smoking. I've got hives. I've got a bad attitude. All I want to do is smoke, but I'm not. This is mostly because I'm broke, but I didn't smoke when I had a free opportunity either. I'm also not drinking enough water; my goal of starting to work out, this week, has fallen through the cracks. Maybe next week I can focus on that again, as I can't even haul my ass out of bed early enough to have the time. This is because I'm having some of the worst dreams I've ever had. Not neccesarily the scariest, but just terrible, nonetheless. They go on for ages, then I can't sleep, then when I finally fall back asleep I have more too-revealing dreams, and then I have to get up.

Oh, and on a sidenote: I went to the Pixies show last night, and it was pretty good. I was in line talking with David about how it was the second show, so it was unlikely that anyone I knew would be there. But I was wrong, there were 6 people that I ran into. that made me very happy.

P.S. (on Nov 29th) I was wrong on 2 counts: not only were people that I know there, it was also the first show, not the second.

This is day 2 without a cigarette. While i'm bored to tears with the amount of times i've tried to quit, and irritated by the fact that i always break out, i think it says something that i keep trying. i think it says is that i'm spineless, and don't really have enough positive motivation to be invested in actually quitting for good. but smoking is a disgusting, expensive habit that will kill me, so i keep trying. i'd like to blame two of my best friends--Brandy and my Dad--for taunting me with their death stix, but really that's just a poor excuse for me letting myself fall off the wagon everytime i see them.

here's to not getting in my car to go buy cancer, here's to hiding from my neighbours so they don't slip me smokes, and here's to making it through the next 5 days of weakening chemical dependence without peeling anyone's face off.

I got to go down my parents' well yesterday. This little adventure required suspending a ladder down it (hung on a 2x4) and going into the depths with nary but a harness to clip on when i got down about 25 feet to do what i was there to do. it made me feel like all the risky things i've done actually come in handy; useful skills for the people i care for. and i didn't drop anything into the water either. It's been a beautiful couple of days, sunny and inspirational.

i got to see an old friend who has just come back from Japan before he and his gf move to England, and i got to stay with some others. I got woken up with my "niece" Athena being dropped into my arms. i know it sounds retardedly cheesy to say this, but being with a baby who is delighted to see you in the morning is a great way to start the day.

this would also be a great way to start the day.

It's been a while since i've last posted. A lot has happened since the morning of Blake's wedding and a lot of the things that happened were sad, bad, and difficult. So let me tell you about the good things: I joined a volleyball team, so i play once a week. I got spectacularly good reference letters from my old bosses at RBC. I finished my TEFL certification and am trying to get a short job in Korea. (Just for the month of January.) I'm hopeful that i'll be able to find short term "seasonal" work until then but don't have the time to actually go out and apply anywhere yet! How can someone with no job be so busy? well, i appreciate the busy-ness, for without it i would be more lost than i already am. too much time to think is bad. i'm still not finished the reno project either, and it's really bugging me, i would just like to get it finished but something always came up.

My goals this month are to complete the reno, take another module in TEFL, apply to JET, get a part time job, and try to eat a little more healthy. And maybe buy some underwear. As someone on CSI once said: " a girl with worn out drawers is just sad." (or something like that.) (I too have fallen before the candylike viewing treat that is CSI.) i got some long sleeved heavier shirts and a sweater yesterday. i realized that as i toss all my ridiculously worn out clothes, the only things i have left are tanks and t's, which didn't bode well for the extra wet dampness that infuses the Niagara region. it feels good to have less clothes though, it's organized, if not glamourous. Okaymaybe some of my clothes are glamourous, but i rarely get to wear them.